Through and Through

My son never ceases to prove to me that boys are different from girls. From the very beginning he's been louder, more active, and more opinionated.

He's a boy, through and through.

He climbs higher, runs faster and throws more than his sisters ever did. He even pulls hair, so I guess he's ready to sit behind the girl with pigtails in first grade.

His problems come from not moving as fast or as far as he'd like to, which usually leads to a good tumble. Quite a few times I've had strangers gasp as they see him take a fall right on his belly after a mad dash for something. As I watch him I hardly even move, which gets mixed reactions from said strangers, but my boy proves me right as he'll just get up and keep on running to his target, no looking back.

But don't get me wrong. He can cry with the best of them. Usually that's how I know if there is blood involved. He's cut his lip or mouth more times than I can count at this point. And his faceplants over just the last few days have led to no less than 3 nose bleeds. During which he'll scream at the top of his lungs until I distract him with something else. Only then will I be able to clean up the blood dripping down his face.

The funny thing is, compared to the girls, he's my pickiest eater. I don't know how that happened other than the fact that I probably gave in to his demands since he was so loud in making his opinions heard. That, and the fact that I didn't take the time necessary to make him "like" all kinds of foods. It was easier to just keep shoving the same thing I knew he liked into his mouth; all the better to keep him quiet.

Like a lot of his brethren, he'll whine and whimper for food or something to drink until he gets what he wants. Then after he's gorged himself he'll give a big smile and get down to go play. It's one of the few times during the day when he's happy to just go off and explore all on his own, content with even the simplest of toys. I guess it's true what they say about the way to a man's heart is through his belly.

There is one other time during the day when he's happy to go play by himself; it comes along with a strong foul odor. It never fails that just as I'm thinking "boy, he's been off playing nicely by himself for a while now," he'll wander back in to say hi and the stinkies are not far behind. Pun intended.

Like a lot of men I have known in my lifetime, he's happiest after a good meal or a good poop. Better yet, both.

Yup. He's a boy through and through.

Wise One

Today is my middle child's 4th birthday. She's sandwiched between her older sister and her younger brother, and I'm thinking she may be the best one for the job. If my intuitions are correct, I think she'll be the glue that holds them all together.

She is fun and creative and loves to play with her big sister. And she's also silly and active, which makes her well-suited to play and run around with her little brother. On top of it all she is incredibly intuitive, sensitive and expressive, traits that will serve her well as both a younger and an older sibling. She's the only one in the family with both jobs, and I think she's up to the task.

The older my daughter gets, the more I see her colors brightening. She has had to live in the shadow of an older sibling, which has taken it's toll on her throughout the years. She was slow to make friends, since she had one built in right next to her all along. Not to mention all the friends that came along with her big sister, whose names and faces she knew long before she ever made friends her own age.

She was, and still is, slow to make conversation with others because she has had someone else to speak for her all these years. It has only been this past year or two in preschool, when her sister was no longer there, that she has been able to come out of her shell and enjoy making friends and playing along with kids her own age.

All along her spirit has been shining bright. If you didn't know her you might have missed it. She's shy to make eye contact and you'd probably just think she's cute and quiet. But it's in there. A beautiful glowing spirit that you see when you look into her eyes. When I look into her eyes I can feel it.

It's a selfless love and caring for others, fueled by a growing pride in herself. The more of the world that she learns to negotiate, and the more knowledge she gains, the more that pride grows. And I try to feed it every opportunity I can because I know it's still hungry.

She is our sweet little love bug. The one that still loves to cuddle and seek comfort in mommy's arms. The little girl that can turn from tears to laughter in a heartbeat. She is full of passion and not afraid to show it, when she's in her comfort zone that is.

And she's my child that never ceases to stop reminding me so much of me. Not just in the way she looks, which if you ask me is almost a spitting image, but in the way she behaves and negotiates her way through the world. Her compassion and empathy, her moodiness, her love of silliness. I hope she keeps it all and takes it further than me as she journeys through life.

Her name means "wise". Which I think is very appropriate. She truly is wise. One of the definitions of wise is having the ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting. I see a big difference between that and being "smart". Even at just four years old, I can see this trait starting to form in her perceptiveness and keen observations. I hope it holds true.

My little love, here's my birthday wish for you. May you always feel so deeply, run so quickly, and have the freedom to act so silly.

Just in the St. Nick of Time

Tis the season to be busy. And busy. And busier still.

Ever since the calendar flipped to December my mind and my life seem to have been overflowing with need to's, have to's, gotta get to's, and don't have time to's. You may have noticed there aren't too many want to's in there either.

Of course there's the usual holiday madness, which includes but is not limited to, gift shopping, card sending, party going, tip leaving, party contributing, craft making, house decorating, school party planning, tree chopping, family visiting and dinner planning. Then in our house we have two birthdays this month, which include but are not limited to, invitation sending, party planning, gift buying, party planning, cake making, party planning, balloon buying and then some more party planning.

More on the party planning part later, but suffice it to say I went above and beyond this year so that I could get a feel for a possible new career.

So as you can tell, it can be quite busy around here. After all the dishes and laundry and all that other usual crap doesn't happen by itself. All of these must do's ricocheting around my brain are making my mind crack in small fissures, allowing my sanity to slowly slip out. And among the many things oozing into its place are all kinds of noises let loose from my shrieking son, which literally reverberate in my head and force out any bits of sanity I might still have left.

To top it off, I was going to be completely on my own today, with my husband out the door before the kids were out of bed and not home until they were all asleep. Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd have the energy or the attitude for it.

And then this afternoon happened. Just in the nick of time, my children had a completely fun-loving, game-playing, rule-following afternoon with just about no prodding from me.

They laughed and played, never disagreed once, kept the baby happy and occupied, ate all their dinner, got into and out of the bath with almost no nagging, cleaned up the playroom when asked the first time and even had their dirty clothes in the hamper the second they came off their bodies.

And to top it off I had two hilarious moments that maybe wouldn't be so funny to anyone else outside our family, so I won't bore you with the detailed descriptions, but they had me laughing almost to tears with my kids.

There's just nothing better than shared laughter.

Suddenly the stress of it all just melted away. I was going to try to sneak in some late night errands tonight after my husband returned home from his business dinner. It was a last ditch effort to ease some anxiety about what's left on that long list. But he called and said he'd be late, just as I was thinking to myself, who am I kidding? I don't want to go out at 8 o'clock at night to run errands.

This afternoon and evening made me see what is really important. And it let me say to myself, LET IT GO, JESSICA.

Twas truly a christmas miracle.

Lucky Number Seven

Today is my oldest's birthday.

I cannot believe that 7 years ago today she made me a mother. One day I had a huge belly and only my husband to nag (and Enzo too), and the next day, there she was.

A new beautiful face in the world.

She had absolutely no inclination to come out of the womb on her own and had to be coaxed out (thank you Mr. Pitocin) 11 days after her due date.

And she's still stuck to my side, seven years later. She's definitely a momma's girl. Of course it goes without saying (but I'll say it for you anyway hubby) she adores her daddy too.

As a wee one she was always content and sweet, ready and willing to take on the world, so long as I was by her side. I'm happy to say that not much has changed over the years. She is my confident and strong girl, glad to play on her own and even more pleased to play with friends, both old and new. And so far she still loves having me by her side, for which I am thankful since one day in the not-so-distant future that may end.

Her imagination can put even the most creative of us to shame. She weaves stories that become tall tales. She is never happier than when she's playing make-believe games like "family" or "school". And she almost always has an animal or doll lying around the house that is the chosen one for the day or week, complete with it's own name and the recipient of multiple wardrobe changes, plus meals and naps.

As I have made it known before, she can dream big with the best of them.

She is also my most cautious little one. Always has been. And it's not just about following the rules, which she does to a tee, and ensures that others do so as well, lest they be tattled on. She tends to be afraid of getting hurt or too dirty or wet, whatever it is she might be up against. It made for a long wait before we took off the training wheels this summer, and it has also made branching out to new activities a bit of a challenge. On the other hand, it allowed for a lot of pristine hand-me-downs for her little sister.

She is the original wiggle worm in a family full of wiggly worms. Getting her to stay still for any length of time requires video input and room to stretch her legs. I'm guessing my husband and I have hit the millions for the number of times we have said "sit still with your bottom on the seat and your feet in front of you" at the dinner table.

Being a big sister came very naturally to my daughter. She is a nurturer, cuddler and lover. It is only in recent years that her patience with the younger ones has started to wear thin from time to time, as is to be expected. But she is still sweet to them and only rarely upsets the delicate sibling balance that leans so heavily in her favor. This trait is certainly rooted in her natural leadership abilities; she loves to be in charge with only the occasional bout of bossiness.

Ah, my sweet girl. Full of passion that so often is characterized by smiles, laughter and incessant movement.

My birthday wish for you: may you always move with such freedom, dream with such abandon, and love with such enthusiasm.

Processing...Differently

Here's the update on my oldest and her reaction to the loss of our family dog. In short, I'm just chalking it up to her being her own person. We all react differently to things, so I'm going to put this in that bucket and not worry about it anymore.

She has since discussed it more, and a few days after my last post about her, I sparked a bit of conversation with her about Enzo. I had acknowledged that I missed him, and she started asking a series of questions about him, like how old he was when my husband and I got him, and what he was like as a puppy. Of course this may come from her desire for a new puppy, but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Then she did mention the topic of death quite a bit over the next few days. Never in reference to anyone in particular and never in the context of any anxiety, but it was running through her thoughts and imagination nonetheless. Yet she still never expressed her feelings of loss, or to this day has ever said that she misses him.

A few days after that, we were driving by a graveyard and she pointed to it and said "A graveyard!" with what I thought would be a similar reaction to seeing something sort of exciting, like say, an add for High School Musical 3 on the side of a bus. I guess I should tone that down a bit. She wasn't thrilled, just sort of in awe. She then said she wanted to go in a graveyard sometime.

I told her that maybe the next time we were able to visit my husband's (sort of distant) family in Philadelphia we could go visit Poppy's grave at the graveyard there. My father-in-law passed away three years ago, and we have not yet been back.

Then my younger daughter joined in the conversation at this point and said she didn't want to talk about that, because Poppy is no longer here, and that made her sad.

Now mind you that this is my child who was 9 months old when he passed away, so she has memories of him mostly built on our stories and photographs over the years. And yet she expresses sorrow at this point.

She amazes me.

So I say to her that even though Poppy is not here, he will always live in our hearts because we will always love and miss him. And then I say the same thing about Enzo. At which point my younger daughter says she wants to make a card for Enzo.

My oldest then tells her little sister that she can't give it to him since he's not here, so she asks why she wants to bother making a card for him.

Now here's another kicker. My younger daughter then tells her big sister that she will make it in her heart.

I mean does that tug on your heartstrings or what? I'm assuming she figures if she makes it in her heart, he'll get the card since he's in there too.

{sigh}

Seriously. I just can't get over how in touch she is with her feelings, and how well she expresses it.

Note to self: See the difference...feel the difference...acknowledge the difference.

Today was my final overt attempt to open the topic for conversation. We were at the library and I saw a book about a boy that loses his dog. Albeit not very well written I read it to the girls anyway [it opens with the line "Jim's dog got run over by a garbage truck! And he's smashed all over!" Danny said when he got to school."] I'm not kidding. But it did talk about Jim having a hard time with the loss and not wanting to talk about it with his friends. So I read it.

And I got nothin'. From either one of them.

We return home and the girl that lives across the street was outside, and it occurred to me that we had never told her that Enzo had died. She was one of his biggest fans and I feel horrible about this oversight.

She and another boy from the next street over were in front of our house, and the first question out of their mouths when they saw us walk over was "Where's Enzo?".

We delivered the sad news. Then they both said they found out from another friend of ours in the neighborhood who is in their class at school (and a close friend of my older daughter's). But they said they had a hard time believing it.

The little girl even said that she found out right before her science test and she was so sad during the test she thinks she might have flunked it because she couldn't pay attention.

Note re-written to self: We are all different.

As for me, I moved from the periodically hysterical phase, into the persistent heavy heart stage, which was then followed up with the sporadic heavy sighs phase.

I know in my heart that we will always miss him, even when he's not in our immediate thoughts.

And even if we don't say it out loud.