A Little Time Will Tell

If there's one thing I've learned as a mother, it's that time heals.  A little time can really do you wonders.  Plus some patience doesn't hurt either.

After my last post, my husband and I talked about what else we could do to help our middle child along in the areas where she is driving us crazy still developing.  She really struck a chord with us, as I guess I did with some of you in writing that post.  But, as a few of you commented, what we figured out we really needed was more time and patience.

Patience is hard to come by these days.  Three kids.  Two schools. Five different activities every week.  Homework every day.  Do the math.  It just doesn't add up to more patience.

Nonetheless, we decided that when she gets stubborn, as she often does, we won't fight her so much.  We'll let her run her course and not try to bully her into behaving.  We aren't really bullying her, but sometimes that's what it feels like when we are trying to be more disciplined and she's just pulling so hard in the other direction.  We were trying to use our brute force in retaliation, foolishly thinking that we could win because we are bigger and smarter.

Not so.

If a mule doesn't want to move, it ain't moving.  And there are no fancy words or big muscles that will make it happen.

So the good news is that, for the most part, this tactic seems to be working.  Later that day, after I wrote my last post, we just sat by silently as she threw a bit of a tantrum at the dinner table.  After a very short period, she sat up and just finished eating her dinner, as we were trying to get her to do.  

And it worked again later in the week.  So my hope is that we can continue down this path.  Because as my husband and I discussed, we don't want her to feel like her stubbornness is the way to get our attention.  She's already been pigeon-holed into being the "shy one", so we really want to get through this phase with a bit more finesse. 

So far, so good.  And we have also been giving her more empathy for her anger, and new words to talk about it.  "The mean monster" is what she now sees as the anger that comes out and takes over at times.  And if I can catch her early on when the monster is just starting to rear it's head, then often times I can patiently walk her through it to the other side without too much of an episode.  

It turns out that this child does require us to be more present.  Her river runs deep.  She can't use the same words as us to understand the concepts, but she gets it.  And if we get on her side - I mean really get on her side and go to her depths, and not try to bring her over to our side - then she's right there with you the whole way.

It's funny, because in doing this, I realized we did almost the same thing for my older daughter many years ago.  Probably when she was a bit younger, and when we had more empathy and patience in reserve, but nonetheless, we did it.  And I'm sure that I would have forgotten about it if I didn't go through these exercises all over again.  Because, as I said before, time heals.  Those battles were so long ago that we aren't even showing any scars anymore.  And yet all the memories came flooding back over this past week.  Which made me see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Because my oldest doesn't wage those battles anymore.

She knows we'll lock her in her room until she's 18 if she doesn't listen to us better.

As for the younger one's shyness, we are working our way through that too.  Today, on the way home from preschool, she said to me "mom, everyone wanted to be my friend today."  My heart just smiled and I said "well that's probably because you are so nice and sweet and your friends know that playing with you will be lots of fun."

She got a big smile on her face and proudly said "Yup.  So I played with everyone today."

Time heals, indeed.

Rainy Season

Doesn't it always seem to be the case that just when you think you are making progress, you end up losing your footing and slipping back down the hill a bit?  Okay, maybe not always, but sometimes, and when it does happen it's frustrating and exhausting.

We seem to be in that spot with our middle child.  And we are definitely all frustrated and exhausted.  

Just when I thought we were making headway on her social skills, we had a bit of a set back.  She's been so much better at school.  Drop offs are seamless. She's always playing with the other kids when I pick her up.  She's talking with them all and interacting like any 4 year old should.  It really makes me proud.

Now the bad news.  This weekend we went to one of her best friends birthday parties and she would not participate one bit.  Not only did she not want to do anything at the jumpy house place, she was crying on and off the whole time and saying "I want to go home," in her soft, sweet voice.  This has never happened before.   She's been shy, sure.  She's been hesitant to play, definitely.  But I can always get her going and engage her to participate in something along with me by her side.  This time, no go.  I tried all my tricks too.  I was perky and happy and funny.  I tried pretending like I was glued to the thing and I needed her help to get me up.  I tried tickling her and tempting her with basketball, in a jumpy that had absolutely no one in it but us.  All the things that usually work.  But I got nothing.  Zip.  Nada.  Except for tears, tears and more tears.  It was like she made up her mind from the second we entered the place (and not one minute before mind  you - she was perfectly happy the whole day and all the way there) and she wasn't going to budge.

So after a half hour or so, we left.  It just wasn't worth it anymore.  I never usually give up (or give in) like that.  That was a first for me.  

Wait.  I take that back.  That was a second for me.

The first was a few weeks ago when she refused to go into her gymnastics class.  I can't believe I almost forgot about it.  We were all the way there and inside with her shoes off and all.  And all the while she was saying, in a nice voice, that she didn't want to go.  And I was talking with her and trying to work through it.  But when the door to the gym opened up, she didn't budge.  

Then her brother and sister also ended up in tears at that same moment, due to other occurrences not worth detailing.  But suffice it to say, I'd had enough.  So we left.  Now that was a first.  I really don't give in like that.  Mostly because I can usually get my way.  Oh, I mean, I can usually get her to come around.  Because this is all about her, right?

On the plus side, she has been better with babysitters lately.  But we can still have an episode without warning where she'll just cry and cry and scream a bit when she has to say good-bye to me.  Actually, speaking of that, she did in fact do just that a couple weeks ago.  And the worst part about it was that I was leaving her with my husband.  And her tantrum only made him sad and angry.  Which made her more sad and angry.  And it wasn't pretty until after about 30 minutes when she finally calmed down through something fun and distracting that my husband maneuvered.

By then he was frustrated and exhausted.  Of course.

Now this morning she was digging her feet in again.  A lot of mornings lately she'll just decide she doesn't want to get dressed or go along with the flow.  And it aggravates my husband and I to no end.  We struggle and struggle to turn her around and it just isn't working anymore.

We are frustrated and exhausted.  Wait, did I mention that already?

Do you know how hard it is to stay positive and perky when you are pissed off?  But if you go down the toe-to-toe path with her, you'll regret it.  Because this girl can dig her feet in.  And then the calm refusals turn into outright loud and obnoxious refusals, and you are no better off.  I thought I knew how to be stubborn.  But this little one takes the cake.  So your best ammunition to turn things around is to stay positive and win her over to your side.  Which usually works.

It's just zapping all our energy in the meantime.

And lately I've tried reinstating the sticker charts for rewarding positive behavior.  But I think I just don't have the time and energy to make it really rewarding for her.  Or else this girl needs more than the usual dog and pony trick to keep her happy.  Because it doesn't seem to be having much of an impact on her.

So where do we go from here?  She's so sweet and cuddly and lovable.  She's a little ray of sunshine.  

Until those rain clouds come.  And then watch out, because you could get a flash flood.

That's where I feel like we are at with her.  My husband and I are trying to hold the sandbag damn together while the flood waters keep rising and receding.  When will the rainy season stop?  As she gets older?  As she learns that we won't give in to her little daily battles?  How long will this all take?

More importantly, how long can my husband and I hold back the floods?

Frankly, I think she's the one that knows all about sandbagging.

Number Two

It seems that my number three has become quite obsessed with number two.  Well really it's just the word that has captured his fancy.  Who knew "poop" could be used in so many clever ways?

I think his fascination started when he would say it and his big sisters would laugh.  While he does know the correct meaning of the word, and can use it appropriately, he has much more fun using it to be silly.  Here are some of the highlights over the past couple of weeks.

While driving in the car one day, all the kids got too loud with their arguing and talking over each other.  So I did one of my very loud and authoritative "That's it!  No one talks for 3 minutes!  We need some quiet time!".  The girls willingly obliged lest they face more of my wrath.  But then after about 5 seconds of lovely peace and quiet, my son bellowed out "POOP!" at the top of his lungs.  And yes, we all laughed.  Because poop is funny, right?

Well, sometimes.

When a little girl, whom we didn't know but was waiting in line near us, became fascinated with his buckle on his stroller, he sat by silently watching her work to try to buckle him in.  "What a sweet little guy you are," the girls' mother said. "What's your name?" she harmlessly asked.  "Poop," my son replies.  Whoops.  That one was a bit embarrassing.

Many times when we are driving in the car, he'll make the rounds with the family while he is babbling.  "Poop....mommy poop......daddy poop......bella poop.....fia poop...."

And occasionally we'll even get "Elmo poop" tagged on to the end, because really, Elmo is one of the family now.

Whenever his big sister starts telling Knock-Knock jokes, he'll chime in when she's done.  "Knock knock," he'll say.  Then we say "who's there?" after he patiently waits for our response.  Now you see where this is going, don't you?  He replies "poop," and starts cracking up.

It's gotten to the point where I can use the word "poop" as a thermometer of his mood.  If he's cranky when he wakes up, he'll drink his milk and eat a little breakfast.  And then when he's feeling more social, I will look at him and give him some of that mommy-love-in-a-look, and he'll belt out a nice soft "poooop" and I'll know we are past the crankiness and on to a better mood.

Ah, the simplicity of life as a toddler.  If only things such as this could keep us happy forever.  The world would be a better place.

It's Just Water

This weekend my family decided to have some good old-fashioned fun.  With water.

It all started on Thursday when, on a whim, I took my kids to the dollar store.  I told them that they could each pick out one thing. I figured that even in this economy I could spare the $3 in exchange for a few smiles.

As it turns out, we got more than a few smiles.  We also got some roaring laughs and loud squeals.

I won't keep you in suspense.  The laughter and good times were a direct result of my middle child picking out a four pack of squirt guns.  And I added a pack of water balloons.  

And then the fun began.

As soon as we got home she wanted to play with the squirt guns.  Since it was late, I was able to divert her until the next day.  Then she wanted to play with them while I was getting dressed and primped in the morning, so I told her to fill them up and squirt them at the toys in the bathtub. That lasted for a while, but it was just a way to hold her off until a better time.

That time finally came over the weekend.  Yesterday morning we had a family squirt gun and water balloon fight in our cul-de-sac.  We were teaming up and fighting to stay dry, until my husband and I turned into a couple of 9 year olds and started peppering each other with water balloons as fast as we could make them.  All the while were girls are circling around squirting us down with their guns.  My daughter and I even tried to seek safety by moving into the back yard to reload our weapons, but my husband managed some very accurate throws that drove us out of our shelter.  

All in good fun of course.  Actually, it was great fun.

But it didn't stop there.  It culminated yesterday afternoon with a water gun showdown on our cul-de-sac.  

The 12 year old boy across the street and his friend innocently meandered over our way, and suddenly came under fire from my girls.  After a few run-downs and a bit of harmless squirting, the boy wandered back home, only to return with his super soaker.  

What followed was rounds of howling laughter and screeching that echoed through the neighborhood.  It was so much fun to watch, and I can only imagine that it was even more fun to play.

And most surprising of all was that my middle child, my quiet little girl that rarely speaks in public, was right there attacking the boys with her squirt guns and loaded balloons.  As soon as she would load up she went after them full force, until they turned on her and she was forced to retreat. And she took the soaking right back, and hardly complained a bit.

Of course there were some tears here and there when the girls got soaked and weren't expecting it.  But to that we would say "it's just water," and dry them off so they could get back into the game without missing a beat.

Finally a truce was called before dinner time and everyone went back to their corners to dry off.

But today we were back out there again.  This time with a new round of enemies, some other boys from down the street.  Word must have gotten out around the hood that there were some new sheriffs in town.

After today's antics, we went through the last of the water balloons, and now we are two guns down.  But we've had 3 solid days of fun.

4 squirt guns and 50 water balloons = $2

Hours upon hours of good old harmless outdoor fun = priceless.