Uninvited

Last night I was reminded of something I had said to a friend a while back. It went a little something like this: we need to help our children become strong, confident and independent in everything we do and say, and we need to make sure that we continue to build their inner strength until it is over-fortified.

Why, you ask? Because when they go out into the world, they will inevitably have experiences that chip away at their foundation and we won't be able to help them. One could really argue that they will be up against the world all on their own, or so it will seem. And at some point our work becomes less potent because their friends and social situations have more impact than our words. That's when we need to hope and trust that we have done all the work necessary so that when they face negative experiences, as they always will, they come away with minimal damage. Or better yet, they come away stronger, because we have not only done our work, we have also given them some tools to make their own repairs.

This little nugget of wisdom was rolling around my mind last night as I watched my oldest struggling to be included in a twosome that was not open to being a threesome. We were at someone's house for dinner, and she nor I had ever met the children before. There was a girl about 5 years older than her, and another girl about her age, and they were cousins who hadn't seen each other in a little while, from what I gathered. On this first night of their reunion, in walks my daughter to join the fun.

But the problem was, they didn't invite her, and the guest list was not open to negotiation. In my daughter's innocence, she didn't think she needed an invitation, she was just jumping right in to have some fun.

But try as she might, she couldn't keep up. They were literally leaving her behind as they rambled through the yard on their "obstacle course". When they built a fort inside they didn't let her in, as I found out later. At some points, the girls would question her right to her face, wondering why she did this or that, and in general just trying to get her to stop attempting to play with them.

When it all became obvious to me, I was sitting with my 3 year old daughter on my lap watching the older girls play. We were within about 30 minutes of leaving, so I just sat there and held my other daughter close, and watched. I kept saying to my younger daughter "are you still my baby?" and "you can be my baby forever!" and was hugging her tight. And then I'd look up and get a sinking feeling in my chest as I watched my oldest scrambling to be included.

I realized later that all I was doing and saying to my younger daughter was really meant for my oldest. My heart was ripping open and all I wanted to do was fold her up, put her in my pocket and announce that we were leaving.

But, being in this particular situation with virtual strangers that are connected through my husband's work, I decided to just watch and trust.

Finally my oldest began to play on her own. Every now and then, she'd go back and try to keep up, only to get shut down again. And back she would go to play on her own.

Then I said enough is enough and announced that we were leaving. Luckily we had the baby's bed time as a good excuse.

On the way home I asked my daughters if they had fun. Initially my oldest responded with a "yes" and then followed it up with "but those girls weren't really all that nice since they didn't let me in their fort". I told her that she did a great job being open to playing with new people, and that she did the right thing in handling the situation.

Instead of whining about it or coming to me crying, she just stuck with it. And then she realized on her own that it wasn't worth it. I commended her for being able to work through the situation and take care of herself.

This was one of those times when I was glad that I have spent so much of my own blood, sweat and tears pumping her up. She needed it. In the end, I think it helped her through.

Albeit a rare day when my daughter is in this kind of situation, I was glad I was there to see what happened. There will be so many more times like this in her future (hopefully the distant future), when I won't be there to make sure she is okay.

In the meantime I will continue to build and fortify. And make any repairs as they become necessary.

Now if only we could repair all those little tears in my heart just as quickly, we'd be in good shape.