Gr8 Expectations

Long time, no write. It seems I'm not finding enough time in my schedule as I'd like to spend on writing. But alas, that can be said for a lot of things. So I'll just be thankful for the little time that I do get. And you be thankful too, okay?

My husband and I have found lately that we seem to have great expectations for the aging process of our children. We want the children to accomplish so much during their growth, and it seems that these things happen much slower than we'd like. For example, cleaning up after themselves. At least some times. Being kind to their siblings. All the time. Being respectful and thankful toward their parents. All the time.

Perhaps we are asking too much? I think so. We are quite anxious to be liberated from our daily woes, that's for sure. Breaking up arguments, correcting behaviors, urgings to say "please" and "thank you", wading through a sea of kid crap scattered about the house.

The sibling rivalries and fights have become quite common lately. But that's really to be expected. We've been breaking up skirmishes so often that we started to ban the words "stop it" from our family vocabularies. We were saying it so much to our kids and they were saying it so much to each other that it was becoming annoying. We said whoever says it has to put money in the proverbial pot (it's definitely proverbial since we haven't heard any clinking of spare change) and my kids were calling my husband and I on it all the time. I think we owe them a few pizzas.

So the other day I switched to "knock it off".

Pretty good, huh? Of course this induced an out of body experience where I became my mother. I could hear her voice so clearly, even though the last time she uttered that phrase was probably over 20 years ago.

We just want them to all get along. Is that too much to ask? And to clean up after themselves, and follow directions, and be grateful for their plentiful lives.

Okay, I guess that is too much to ask. But we are asking for it anyway, hoping that it will sink in eventually.

And the one who is taking the brunt of most of this is our oldest. Being that she is indeed the oldest of the crew, we expect her to be the one that shows more respect and gratitude. The one that follows directions the first time we ask. The one that actually does clean up after herself. Without asking.

That last one is just not in her DNA it seems. But I'm willing to remind her plenty when her life seems to have strewn itself across her bedroom floor.

And now I'm using the "I expect more from you" speeches. The other day she as in the bathroom with her sister and she just couldn't or wouldn't stop bugging her. I had to step in and point the finger in her face. I'm sure I was turning a shade of purple as I let her have it.

She stomped off and went to her room. I followed her in there and she was under the covers reading a book, even through we were on our way out the door to school. I tried to apologize for being so harsh, and I tried to be empathic with her frustrations. Something must have made her feel better, because even though she uttered the "nobody loves me" phrase that I've been hearing a lot more of lately, she got up and moved through the rest of the morning.

And in case you are wondering, yes, I did tell her that she is very loved. By all of us. And I told her that even when we are yelling at each other we still love each other. And all of that good stuff.

But what I really wanted was to say is...don't you get it? YOU ARE THE ONE. You are the first one that will show us that we are doing all of this for good cause. The one that will light the way for the others. The one that will lighten our load.

But I didn't.

Thank goodness.

And truthfully she is helping us see the wonders that exist in childhood and parenting. She is living proof that we are doing a good job.

So I've decided that we really need to stop asking for so much. We should back off a bit on the lectures. Even the minor ones that just involve a finger in the face and the "I expect more from you" speeches.

She gets it. She knows we expect more. She just doesn't know yet that it's in her to be more.

But we see it. We just have to let her find it on her own, while we offer gentle guidance.

And also increase our own levels of patience.

We will give the occasional lecture too. Lest the value of a good "talking to" be lost.